32 Weeks

Well, it’s official. I’ve been a resident at this hospital for a week! An entire week! I can’t believe it. In some ways it’s been the longest week of my life, but at the same time the days blur together and I can’t believe it’s already been a week! I thought I would give everyone a little update.

The good news, it’s been a fairly uneventful week and I’m still pregnant! Today I’m officially 32 weeks and that alone is such a relief! If she decides to come now the blood vessels in her brain are fully developed and wont just burst for no reason. The chances of Cerebral Palsy are also next to nothing, both of these things make us super happy. Monday was also a really really good day, they told me I would be able to take wheel chair rides, wear my own clothes, and shower regularly. It really is the littlest things that make me the most happy! Being wheeled around the hospital in a wheel chair is so weird, but oh my gosh I don’t even care. It has been so so nice to go and sit outside instead of stare at it out the window.

This baby is such a little ball of fire, I’m honestly scared for when she gets here. If this pregnancy is any indication of her personality… oh boy. We are in for it! She is stubborn as they come! Twice a day they have to put me on the monitors to check her heart rate and track contractions (yes I’m contracting, but they don’t hurt and I usually have to being paying close attention to feel them, it’s normal at this point). She only has to be on the monitor for 20 minutes straight but the likeliness of that actually happening are slim to none. She is so active and has lots of amniotic fluid to swim around in that she will almost instantly move off the monitor. Plus she has to have accelerations during the 20 minutes where her heart rate goes up at least 15 beats and she is just so lazy, especially in the morning! They have this mini flashlight thing that vibrates and they put it on my belly for about 2 seconds and she haaaaates it so she instantly moves and gives us the acceleration we need. Sometimes the nurses will sit and hold her on the monitor for like 30ish minutes, but yesterday they left me on for like 2 hours and went about their day. They only need 20 minutes, but it can take fooooorever. Forever. Monday morning she was extra lazy so they decided to do an ultrasound just to check on everything and she scored perfectly. They estimated that she weighs in at 3lbs 10.5oz. and we are thrilled!! If I’m pregnant for two more weeks (hopefully) she will be close to 5lbs and that would be so so good. Obviously the longer she is in there the better.

All of my nurses have just been so so so wonderful. On Saturday night I got a new one, Judi, and I hadn’t had her before. As we were doing the monitoring I think she could tell that I was a little down and just talking to me about everything that they are willing to do. This hospital doesn’t get many antepartum patience so when they do they try to make us as comfortable as possible. She said I’m welcome to keep anything I want in the nurses fridge and freezer and if I am just having a crappy day to tell them. She went on to say that it really does suck in here, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it and it’s ok to be mad and upset. As soon as she left I cried. For nearly 24 hours straight. I bawled every time someone would come or go from my room. It was probably the hardest day of my life, and it actually had nothing to do with it being Mothers Day, and I was spending it in the hospital. luckily I got to spend it with my mom, and Nixon and Jim really spoiled me. It was just so good to hear from a total 3rd party that it’s just ok. It’s ok that it sucks. It’s ok that I get bored. It’s ok to sob uncontrollably. After that my attitude has been so much better. It’s all ok. I’m happy to be here, I’m even happier to be pregnant, and I’m 100% confident that no matter what happens we are all going to be ok.

Finally, I feel just so so blessed. Jim keeps saying over and over that we are blessed with good Drs. and nurses, we are blessed that I am able to be in a safe place and that nothing more has gone wrong and he is completely right. This is such a scary thing and like I told one of the nurses “I’m just waiting around until I potentially bleed to death” and as horrible of a reality as it is, it is a reality. But I know it’s all going to be ok. We’ve got such a great support system all around us. It’s completely humbling to think of all the people that have reached out to help us. My mom had to go back to Utah for 3 days, and in those 3 days I didn’t have to worry about my Nixon once. People were lined up to take him and wouldn’t you know they were better parents to him than we are! He ate so good for everyone and that alone is a huge blessing (he is so stubborn and the only fruit he eats is apple sauce and bananas). I’ve been overwhelmed with everyone who has come to visit and all the treats and gifts that they have brought. I’m running out of sitting room on the couch because of all of it! I’m so grateful for my husband, he’s the real hero here. He’s had to be a true single parent this whole time. Getting Nixon up and ready for the day, dropping him off at babysitters, working all day, picking him up, coming to the hospital, taking him home and feeding him dinner, bath, and then bed. On top of that there’s also the household chores. He is handling it like a champ. He’s completely selfless putting Nixon and I before his own needs and I can’t thank him enough. He has a great job working for a company that is completely understanding of our situation and willing to do whatever it take to accommodate him. That alone is such a relief! They’ve said that I am the best worst case scenario and I can’t agree more. As much as it sucks to be away from my family and feel like a burden, I also feel incredibly blessed. So thank you, Thank you from the bottom of my heart because it really does take a village, and I clearly have the best one possible.

31.2

May 9,2015

Jim was able to pick my mom up from the airport shortly after the second blood clot and they spent the rest of the night at home with Nixon. I was actually able to get some sleep that night because I didn’t have to be hooked up to the monitors all night! I’m down to twice a day for 20 minutes, but getting her to stay for those 20 minutes can be rough. I was up early again because I was really anxious to meet with Dr. Elliot. He specializes in high risk pregnancies, but doesn’t actually deliver babies anymore, but gives more of a consult. I went to his office at about 22 weeks for an ultrasound to see about the previa in the beginning. Around 9:15 my support team of mother, husband, and baby came walking through the door and I was so happy! Nothing makes me happier than hearing Nixon coming down the hall “baba? Baba? Baba!” They came right in time because about 30ish minutes later Dr. Elliot walked in. I’ve never felt so comfortable and terrified in my entire life. The information coming from his mouth was horrible, but knowing it makes me feel better. We chatted about the the history of this pregnancy so far and he said I’ve been pretty much a text book case of placental previa. You usually have 3 bleeds, each one worse than the next, and they will all happen about 2 weeks apart. They are counting this one as my second bleed because the first wasn’t very much, and earlier on than usual. He asked how far away I lived and thought about it for a second and just told me as nicely as possible that I wouldn’t be going home. He wants me to be comfortable and understands how sucky it is to be here but went on to explain the risks of being at home when the third bleed occurs. In order to even go home I wouldn’t be able to have any spotting whatsoever for at least 4 or 5 days, and to be honest no one is really counting on that. From there he said if I were at home I would need someone who could be with me 24/7 to call an ambulance if I started to bleed again because there wouldn’t be any time. He’s had patience bleed out who were in the hospital before they even made it to the OR. After hearing that I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. As comfortable as home would be, I can’t be completely contained to the bed at home with Nixon, it would just be too hard.

The big question is how long will I be pregnant? Obviously no one knows because things could change so fast at any point. The goal is to keep this baby in as long as its beneficial for her, and not putting me at too much risk. Right now, she needs to be in. Hopefully for a week or two, but we are kind of expecting to meet her within that time. Dr. Elliot said that week 32-33 are really more important for her to be in, but the survival rate is 98% at this point. Around 34 weeks the benefits stop outweighing the risk and they will likely take the baby then to prevent a blood vessel in the placenta popping and dealing with tons of bleeding (he said it could be nearly a liter right from the get go!) Ideally I wont need an emergency c-section and I can just have a regular scheduled one, just much earlier than the current one that is scheduled for June 18. Needless to say, I’m scared shitless but there’s not a single thing I can do. Everything has been a total fluke, I didn’t do anything to make the placenta attach low, there’s nothing to do to prevent the bleeding, and like Dr. Elliot said earlier, If I’m going to bleed I’m going to bleed. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the shower or the bed or on the toilet, it is pretty much bound to happen. I’m like a bomb just waiting to go off but until then we are doing what we can to prevent it. They moved me out of isolation (I wasn’t really in isolation, they just don’t really use the room because its not that functional) and I’m now right across the hall from the OR just in case anything happens. I feel blessed to be surrounded by such good Drs and nurses! They are trying to keep me with the same nurses so that everyone will stay on the same page and I have loved them all so far. I know that whatever happens everything will be ok and I’m exactly where I need to be, even if I cry every time I hear Nixons voice on the other end of the phone.

So thank you all! Thank you for the kind text, phone calls, messages, and out pouring of love for my little family. I’m truly grateful for everyone offering to take my Nixon so Jim can be at the hospital with me, or my mom. Cross your fingers, toes, and my legs that we can get as much time as possible with this sassy thing inside.

Isolation

I have a whole blog post all quid up and ready to go, it just needed a few pictures (don't they all?) but then drama happened and I'm going to have to come back to it. It's just a 30 week bump date with what I’m sure are less than whitty comments. I'll try to make this update as thorough as possible without being all over the place, I make no promises!!

THIS MAY BE TMI! IF BLOOD AND VAGUNAS GROSS YOU OUT LOOK AWAY NOW!

So Thursday evening we were eating a very healthy, nutritious, dinner made of pancakes and lots of laziness when I felt a gush. This isn't the first time it's happened so I just sat and waited, about 5 seconds later I felt another gush and went to the bathroom. Sure enough there was blood. Lots of blood.  Like couldn't see the bottom of the toilet, lots of blood. Last time I had bled (April 19-20) it was bad, but not this bad and had stopped in a little under 24 hours. Against Drs orders I did not go to the hospital. He made me promise if I had anymore bleeding at any point I would go because it could be life threatening to me and the baby. So naturally I grabbed a pad and sat on the couch and told Jim I was going to watch it and if it got worse we would go in. Within a few minutes there was another gush or two and I was annoyed and went to the bathroom again. This time there was less blood, but there was a clot, a laaaarge golf ball sized clot, and when I saw it I new we had to go in. I yelled at Jim who threw Nixon in the car and we were at the hospital in probably 5 minutes. Luckily our really good friends lives down the street from the hospital and were also there within minutes to take Nixon and make sure he had fun that night!! I can't tell you what a relief it is knowing there's someone who knows your baby just about as good as you do, and so willing to help even with a 3 month old and a two year old of their own! We owe you, Smiths!!

Anyway. It took a few minutes to get checked in and changed and they had me go to the bathroom and there was still blood. It didn't take long for them to just admit me so that they could watch me and try to control the bleeding. Around 10 we were getting settled into our room. I did/do find it so weird that I'm in a full blown labor and delivery room. Like just right over there is the baby bed and I stare at it all day. But they also have me in the isolation room, another hilarious perk. I'm kinda outta the way, you literally walk through a storage closet to get to the room! But it's quiet and they haven't forgotten about me! My nurse said at this hospital they don't get many people like me, ya know, “residence" if you will. That night I had to be hooked up to the monitors all, night and it was probably the worst thing ever. This baby is so so so active that she won't stay long enough to get a good read on her heart beat! The nurse kept saying "I know you are alive in there, I hear you kicking and moving, but just stay still" and I couldn't have agreed with Her more!! After about an hour or more of that she finally settled down enough to the point we got a little sleep.

They were in and out of here all night and I was trying not to move so she would stay on the monitor and then with all the fluid I peed about 10 times and that was annoying. Finally I was up for the day at about 3 and just hung out. They said Dr. Huish would be in after he did a c section at 7:30. I don't know how he does it but at 7:30 on the dot he walked into my room. He pretty much said I would be here through the weekend if we could get the bleeding to stop. He also said that he would like me to stay pregnant for another week or two and that kinda broke my heart. Something about the realization that the Dr. has less hope for you than you do will really rattle your strength. From there I met with all sorts of people, NICU, nurse practitioners, anesthesiologist, and more. The reality of everything was hard but after I cried I knew there was nothing more I could do and just took it in stride. Jim picked up Nixon and ran some errands with him and came back to the hospital about 12:30. I've never been more happy to see that sweet babies face in my life!! He was smiling from ear to ear and just kept saying "Baba! Baba!!" (That's what he calls me, I've never been mama) he was so cute and on his best behavior and his dad had him dressed and hair done, father of the year!! They stayed until nap time and then went home and we all took a nap! At this point everything was looking much better! No big clots, no gushes of blood, I was just peeing out brown small chunks and I thought I would be in the clear! I was lucky enough to have some visitors again, Jim Nixon and Paige came! It was so nice to just chat and be with people! Right after Paige left I went to the bathroom and sure enough, I passed another large clot. This one was even bigger than the last, I would say the size of two golf balls. Just like that, everything I was working for got ripped away. I was promised I could shower, I was told I would only be in the hospital for the weekend, and just like that no shower and calls to the Dr. were put in place. Once the nurse talked to Dr. Huish he said there was a possibility that if I passed another clot of that size I would be transferred to the other hospital that has more experience with high risk. That scared me because I love my Doctor! I am “comfortable” at this hospital, and I don’t do well with change. That pretty well sums up the first 24 hours of our stay.
I tried to attach a short video of the highlight of my life, but I blame the hospital internet. Hopefully the link will work! https://youtu.be/Aj_1gjQMEeU

NYC The Last Day

It’s safe to say that by the last day in NYC we were exhausted!!! We didn’t make it to the train station until about 11, and I will take all the blame. I was moving slow, and it was suppose to rain on us! We were lucky enough that Nicole had generously volunteered to watch Nixon for us so that we could enjoy a day in the City by ourselves. We jumped at the offer, and I am still so so so grateful! Nixon was at an age where we couldn’t even  leave him in nursery without him crying. Luckily this really helped him get over that! He ate what he was given, didn’t cry, and didn’t talk! That last part isn’t the best, but hey, it wasn’t crying! At the end of the night, after all those babies were bathed, they snuggled in to watch a movie. Ridge isn’t much of a cuddler so Nicole was happy to have Nixon cuddle with her! She got up to get something and he got a little upset and so Jade jumped in and sure enough he cuddled with her! I wish I could have seen it! I’m so happy that I have such a great family that loves my baby as their own!
Anyway, it’s an hour train ride into the City from Parsippany so we didn’t get there until about noon. We knew we wouldn’t be able to eat until much later so we grabbed a quick lunch at Penn Station and then headed for the subway. Things were looking good, not rainy yet but by the time we got downtown it was raining. We stopped and grabbed an umbrella and it broke just a few minutes later. I would expect nothing less! We then headed for non other than the Statue of Liberty!

NYC Part III

We woke up Sunday morning after we all had a loooooooong nights sleep. I really think we didn’t wake up until about 10, and didn’t leave the hotel until about noon. The first stop we made was heading down to Macy’s. I’ve never gotten so lost and confused in my entire life! It was beyond massive and trying to find an elevator to take back down was impossible! We ended up on the escalators going down, with a stroller, and that’s just not my favorite. But the original wood escalators? I just couldn’t get enough of them! They were the slowest moving cool thing I’ve ever seen. I loved them.

NYC Part II

As a disclaimer I’d like to say that it has taken me FOREVER to write these posts and add pictures. I pretty much refuse to proof read and edit them before I post them. As I go back and relive/reread them I’ll catch my many errors and fix them then. But for now, I sleep.
I was super excited for day two because we had some big big plans, but also just for the fact that we were going to be spending more time in The City! The girls, and Jim got up early to go see the Rockettes! Everyone was telling us that we needed to go see the shows and musicals while we were there and I honestly can’t think of a more miserable thing. I hate musicals, go ahead and judge me. But the Rockettes, THE ROCKETTES! That’s different! Amazing dancing with such precision, and a Christmas theme ta boot? Sign me up! Cody was planning on meeting up with us for lunch with the little boys but after some unexpected car trouble he ended up staying home all day with the boys. I’m sure there are thousands of other ways he would have rather spent the day, but he handled it and even got a few hours to himself while all the boys napped.
Funny side story. As we were getting ready to go I was throwing up in the bathroom and Ridge and Jade were down stairs and they were hearing everything. Nicole came down and as we were talking I mentioned that I didn’t feel well but I would be fine and it would go away. With the straightest most shocked face ever Nicole looked at me and said “Are you pregnant”? I will never forget her face! I said yes and there was lots of jumping and squeals and excited noises. I brought up the conversation the previous morning with the Tylenol and she couldn’t believe that she totally missed the signs! It was all pretty funny. Anyway…

New York Part I

Dreams do come true! Over thanksgiving my husband granted one of my biggest wishes and that was to take me to my homeland, NYC (Oh you didn’t know? I have an East Coast Soul, so it’s about time my west coast body reunited with the rest of me) I will start this journey from the very beginning.