Things You Never Ever Say to a Pregnant Person

Common sense?

Apparently not.

-"When are you due"? 

"February 22" 

"OH MAN! I thought you were having a Christmas baby"!!
Accompanied by a look of complete surprise. Jokes on you buddy, I've still got 2.5 months.

-When your friend show's your most recent bump picture to someone and the reaction is "How many babies is she having"? One. There's just one in there. And -10 friend points for you TAYLOR for telling me this story. (see above picture)

-"You look 9 months pregnant already"!

"Thanks".

"I didn't want to say anything"
Well, maybe you shouldn't have?

30 weeks

-"You look as good as ever"

So this 30 lb. belly is no different then when I didn't have it?

-"I think I am getting to the uncomfortable all the time stage"

Women laughs ridiculously loud and responds "Oh no, no you aren't"

Really? Because last time I checked I had no feeling under my ribs, my feet ache, my hips hurt, my upper and lower back never stop screaming at me, and I can't walk and talk at the same time for fear that I might pass out. You are right, I feel like I'm floating on air.

Half asleep, 31 weeks

-"Do you want a cookie"?

"No thank you"

"But you are pregnant, don't you always want a cookie"

"No, it literally wont fit in my body"
"Really"? (said with extremely large eyes)

I know my stomach is big, but trust me, if I could fit a cookie, I would. But I choose being able to breath as normal as possible.

-"Am I the only one super annoyed with the car alarm that's been going off forever"?
"Yes. It's a pregnancy thing" (coming from the guy wearing head phones)
No, it's not.

After the Nutcracker, still 31 weeks

-"You are only X weeks along? Your baby is going to be HUGE".
Is that a fat joke?

-While facetiming with my brother in Hong Kong, "Her feet are so swollen, see"? "OH GROSS"!!
OH GROSS, CODY?! Do you know what you eat?! That's what is gross my friend. I'll have you know that the reason for the swelling is, 31 weeks pregnant, air planes, high heals, walking around the mall for a few hours, venturing into temple square, and Utah's high altitude. What did you expect, Cody??

Probably the most embarrassing picture I've taken thus far. Jenna is 4 weeks ahead of me people, She doesn't even look pregnant in this picture.

I can assure you she is. And there is a bump there, she just carries hers with grace, and not two left feet like me.

-"When are you due"
"February 22"
"Oh you are so close"!!
No no no no, so close is waddling into the hospital in tears just hours before giving birth. THAT is close. 31 weeks is just "coasting" according to the doctor.

-When someone's reaction to how you are feeling, weather it be physical or emotional, is "Hormones". Well you listen here, I don't care if it's hormones, those are real feelings and there is nothing I can do to stop feeling them! It's not like I'm crying over a broken nail, I'm pissed because someone just yelled at me on the phone and I had nothing to do with their problem. You are going to sit there and tell me my reaction is due to HORMONES?! I'll cut you.

And this is the real problem I'm facing these days. I can't see half my iPad screen, or anything for that matter, because there is 

just nowhere to comfortably hold anything. 

As a side note: Things to never say to the expecting father: "Are you getting so excited"? I think that everyone involved in the conversation can agree that yes, he is getting so excited for more reasons than one. I can name a few just off the top of my head, a wife who is not miserably swollen, a baby to cuddle, life adjusting to the new "normal" and no longer being in the weird limbo phase that we've been in since June, and mostly no more conversations about my aches and pains. I don't blame him!